P.S this was an authentic journal entry, so excuse my scatter brain. I had to post this because, I wrote it with the purpose of trying to understand myself. I am happy to say that by the end, I realized I was well on my way to discovering me. I hope this inspires you all to spend some time trying to unearth the mystery of you.
Lately, I’ve been obsessed with purple hair. A few months back, purple just kept standing out to me. (I think the movie Beyond the Lights may have contributed to it too). Everytime I went shopping, I would either leave with a red (my #1 fave color) or a purple item (currently battling my #1 fave color). I met a girl this weekend who dyed her hair purple, which I’ve been trying to accomplish. We had a great convo. I watched some vids she suggested. Then I looked up Justine Skye who is known for purple hair. I feel like there’s so much tied to my desire to have purple hair and I’m hoping to discover that tonight.
I am reluctant to get purple hair because I’m going to be a teacher. I also felt a strong desire to try to discover myself, get to know me. I’ve had a hard time pinpointing talents and understanding who I am. Sometimes I feel like there are two conflicting sides of me and I truly need to figure it out. I am pretty sure I’m a pseudo extrovert. In certain situations I can make myself to do extroverted things, especially if I think it is necessary. I know I’m an introvert though. I am most comfortable alone. I am the most creative alone.
I digress, what’s been bothering me lately is that my taste and habits are changing. I’m struggling to figure out whether it’s nature or nurture. Part of me is wondering, are all these things truly me, but have been suppressed. Should I embrace or abandon the “old me”? How much of the old me was simply being responsive to my surrounding? Who is this “new” me? Can both me(s) co-exist?
I am not a rebellious person-generally. I am usually legalistic, but now I’m feeling an urge to push against some known and unknown norms. My question is why? Who benefits from my rebellion and change? How do I identify and embrace my uniqueness? My Taniqueness.
There’s so many places I want to visit and experience. My foodie senses have been heightened ever since I’ve moved back to NYC. I’ve said I want to finally live in one place for at least 4 years and I truly hate starting over, needing to make new connections and routines, yet I’ve been thinking about living and teaching abroad. When I was younger I only imagined myself dating and marrying a Jamaican or black man, now he could come from anywhere as long as he is a good man. Is it weird to be afraid of your own growth/change/perspective/identity?
I have a long list of languages I want to learn. For a girl who is loyal, disciplined, and responsible, I’ve been having a hard time committing to anything. I am used to my need to be in control and usually hate surprises. Now, its almost refreshing when someone else is doing all the work and all I have to do is enjoy the ride. I’m wanting to have more spontaneous experiences yet I have a fear of the unknown. I used to hate lace and floral and now I see them becoming staples in my closet. It’s honestly overwhelming all the changes I’m noticing.
There’s still things I struggle with like my self-confidence and negative thoughts but I’ve noticed that I haven’t allowed them to control me. Is it possible I’m afraid of changing because I’m afraid I won’t recognize myself? Am I afraid of re-starting my self-discovery? Am I impeding my own growth? I’ve become so scatterbrained and unorganized, I don’t necessarily like that. Is it possible to evolve in some areas and regress in others, even good stuff?
Purple hair, right now represents freedom, youth, and beauty. It does something to me. It’s innovative. I’m not looking forward to the attention it may grab. Right now, the color purple makes me happy. Purple nail polishes and dresses have not been cutting it for me. I am afraid of what others may think. I don’t want any trouble. Purple, right now, makes me think of adventure.
Adventure has not been something I’ve been excited about until after studying abroad. I’m still not down with camping and hiking. I’ve become adventurous with food. I’m loving different cuisines. I’m loving music and media from different countries. I’ve even discovered the art of courtship and decided not to kiss again until my wedding day. This is a HUGE leap for a girl who thought a boy-girl relationship was not one without kissing. I noticed that this idea has already put certain men in the place where they had to confess to me that they were not on the level I require and honestly that took the weight off my shoulders to have to decide on their candidacy for my life-long commitment.
It’s one thing to fight against society’s norms, it’s another to realize you’ve placed yourself in a box. It is possible that I’m simply outgrowing the box I placed myself in. I’m now thinking that once these changes don’t conflict with my morals and principles I may just have to surrender to the process. I truly want to live an abundant and authentic life and I may need to accept the fact that these changes will contradict long lasting ideas from the past.
Honestly, as I read through some old journal entries I was moved and inspired. I saw a girl who has been on a journey of discovery for a long time. A girl who is passionate about a lot of things. A girl who spends a lot of time reflecting and introspecting. A girl who strives to be authentic. A girl who wants to be creative and innovative. A girl who respects tradition but wants to revive it with a new luster. A girl who loves pen and paper. A girl who loves rhythms and strong flavors. A girl who is modest and wants to make that word synonymous with sexy. A girl who envisions vacations island hopping or falling asleep by a NYC window being caressed by the sun’s warmth and a cool breeze. A girl who is no longer a hopeless romantic but a hopeful romantic. I believe my future spouse will make me speechless upon our first encounter and daily thereafter.
A girl who sees God’s love as liberating and not simply incubated by sheer rules. A girl who longs to know and love herself authentically and unconditionally. A girl who strives to learn learn to serve, which is love. It is very possible that this uncomfortable phase may just be the interlude of being the woman I’ve always wanted to be. There is an internal tug of war, never knowing which decision is best or if I’m really being me. I am a woman who loves to seek knowledge and to learn means you have to be willing to abandon what you thought you knew. I guess now is my time to openly learn about who I am and how I can truly impact the world, which is best done authentically.
After concluding this post, I googled “purple meaning.” The first thing I saw was: “Purple combines the calm stability of blue and the fierce energy of red…” (which could explain the possible tug of war but I’m taking it with a grain of salt) The link is below and I plan on investigating more on the colors because I am starting to believe they may help to describe the phase of life I’m in and may help me to embrace the process. Thanks for joining me on this journey. If you’ve experienced anything like this please feel free to comment.
Truly speaks to my heart and possibly speaks my heart.. Enjoy..thanks to this writer!!!
Shared by khaleesismom
Sometimes I haven’t the slightest idea what to do about it.
You say something sweet or laugh the way you do, and I am overcome with joy.
Just pure joy.
The cuts and bruises from my life before you…they just don’t hurt anymore.
They’ve become scars.
I’ll never forget the pain of the past but being with you has changed the way I look at it.
I won’t carry it with me anymore.
It’s you and me now.
The way it was always supposed to be. At least that’s how it feels.
We have been in sync since day one.
I feel what you feel.
You hope what I hope.
I love what you love.
There has never been, nor will there ever be, another us.
That’s what is so great and terrifying about it.
Decades from now when we’re both gone no one will know…
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